Pa'a...it's more than a command, it's a lifestyle

More time has passed than I had hoped before I writing this entry - which likely means this will be the last.  There just are not enough hours in the day, as I know is the case for every parent.

Since I last posted, things have continued move along in a extremely positive direction for our family.  The only real challenge continues to be her reluctance to sleep (a 1 am bedtime last night).  Naps are far from a given and whether it's day or night, it takes her around an hour to settle down.  Hence the above reference to the lack of hours in the day - we don't have the benefit of those post kid bedtime hours to get things done and if Nina is able to get her to take a nap, she is going to have one, too.  In fact, I walked into Lillian's room the other day and saw her playing happily on the rug while Nina was asleep folded into the toddler bed.

The sibling bonds are starting to strengthen, happily.  Lillian has started calling out for Max (known as Guh Guh - Mandarin for Big Brother)  and always wants to see what he is doing.  She is always excited when he comes through the door after one of his many daily activities.

Guh Guh and Mei Mei (little sister) playing in the fountain

We continue to learn how much she enjoys music and dancing.  These two videos give a little peek of some of this.  Here, she pulled herself up on to the piano stool to sit next to our friend Zack and they gave an impromptu duet.

She loves to dance and for some reason, likes to have something in her hands as a dance prop.

Around the house, she finds everything can be a toy.  Especially with the right playmate.

Lillian has been out and about more and more.  There have been more trips to the park, the pool and even a playdate.  On July 4th, our new citizen spent the day at our local celebration in Memorial Park enjoying the wading pool and the special climbers for the little ones - ramps and rope bridges.  Then we watched the parade and went off for a barbecue dinner with friends.  The evening was capped off by watching the fireworks.  She enjoyed it all. Here is our day in pictures.

On our way to Memorial Park

There were many, many trips across this bridge for Lillian and Mommy

Sharing snacks with our friend Tara under a shady tree

Waiting for the parade

Aunt Stacy's cupcakes!

Watching the fireworks.

Yesterday, Lillian attended her first Bar Mitzvah (mazel tov Ran and Laura!  Noah did a great job.).  She was intrigued by the DJ's lights and had a good time with the junior high-aged kids, who were surprisingly interested in meeting and playing with her.  When it was time to dance the Hora, she got especially excited when it was time to meet in the middle.

Dancing

The shades made for a cool party favor

The question we get more than any other is about Lillian's speech and language.  As I wrote from China, she is quite verbal, but not necessarily in any particular language other than her own.  Certainly, we are noticing more and more English.  She says hello and goodbye at the appropriate times and repeats "good job."  Most notably, she has stopped thanking people in Mandarin (xie xie) and now says "thank you," even though it sounds more like "dat doo."

She is still hanging in with her own language and we have learned it.  In China, we learned "ah doh no," which means "open this" A new word emerged in her vocabulary shortly after we got home - pa'a (it has a very Hawaiian sound).  At first, we believed pa'a meant "turn it on."  However, we have come to understand its true meaning to be "manipulate that switch or door repeatedly for my amusement" and it can lead to much merriment (though occasional annoyance)  See below.

Similarly, ka'a means "bring me something to drink."   We feel the language is coming quickly to her.  She seems to understand a good deal of what we say to her.  But we'll always think fondly of this time in which we frequently communicate with her in a language of her own design.  Hopefully she will always have the gift of creating new ways for people to understand each other.

Week 2 - still lots of firsts

Another week has passed and we have all good things to report.  Most notably, we took Lillian to see Dr. Mink, the pediatrician at the UCLA Harbor medical facility who specializes in internationally adopted children and who reviewed her medical information from China pre-adoption.  Lillian appears to be in excellent condition as far as the basics go - though she needs to be tested for parasites, lead levels, and micro-nutrient deficiencies by our local pediatrician and evaluated by a Spina Bifida specialist on an ongoing basis. We have decided to be open about her special need in the hope that others will be inspired to consider SB kids for adoption.

Waiting for Dr. Mink, (thank you Margo for 'Baby' whom Lillian loves)

Unusual for an internationally adopted child, Lillian is on the U.S. growth chart for a 2 year old (5th percentile for height and 10th percentile for weight) and the pediatrician found that developmentally, she is on target for her age.  We feel so lucky because the other parents who adopted from her orphanage said to expect developmental delays. Most gratifying, though, were the doctor's comments about how well bonded she seemed to us.

And we would agree.  Lillian has been comfortable with Mommy seemingly since the first minute she came into our lives.  This week, we saw her getting more comfortable playing with Max.  She pretended to feed him and put him to bed, which made him feel really good.

And for the first time this week, after I returned home from running some errand,  Lillian ran up to me and hugged my legs.  I can't even really express how good it felt.

While many things are starting to become more familiar to Lillian, there are still plenty of "firsts."  We decided she needed a haircut to get her bangs out of her eyes.  While it almost certainly wasn't her first haircut, it was her first trip to Mommy's friend Laurel, who was very excited to meet her.

This week, Lillian went swimming at the Claremont Club.  Not only did she splash around in the wading pool, but she was even able to get into the Family pool.  She has rapidly grown comfortable in the water and swimming is more fun than taking four, hour-long baths a day.

Another big outing was to the Thompson Creek Trail and Higginbotham Park.  After a fairly long stroller ride/walk along the trail, Lillian was very excited to see the train climber.  She was climbing down the steps and holding on carefully to the rails.  Then she realized that she could hang from the rails and swing.  And she liked it.

Wheeee!  Mommy, why do you look so worried?

But most of the time is spent at home learning the new normal.  And that works well.  We have had a huge crop from one of our plum trees in the back yard.  Each day, there is a little harvest.  Fortunately, she also likes to eat them.

Nina broke out the beads this week as a plaything.  We may never get all of the tiny things out of the rug.  But they're fun!

In the evenings, as things are a little more settled, we get back into more familiar routines.  She joined us in watching some of our favorites.

The Voice!  

Daddy, LeBron is overrated.

And even if you're staying home, there's no reason not to wear a pretty dress.

So that's our news.  We are starting to post videos on youtube channel jb1771.  Feel free to check it out.  And again, we thank everyone for their support and friendship.

Everyday life on the other side of the looking glass

The theme for Nina's shower was "Through the Looking Glass," and this is now where we reside.  Everything is different - sometimes imperceptibly and other times glaringly.  But mostly the change is the joy our new daughter brings to us, along with the lessons we are all learning or re-learning with regard to communication, patience, empathy and the like.

After all, there is a two year old in the house.  And I, for one, had forgotten what having a two-year old in the house was like.  It's a lot of work!

But now that we're home and I'm back to work and Max had his final week of school, it is Nina who has been with Lillian all day helping her to understand that this is home and we are her family (to say nothing of learning what a family is).  The days are spent mostly, if not entirely at home.  Her life has been spent staying in the same place every day, so that's what is most comfortable to her.  And as game as she is, she is still wary of new people and we're trying to limit her confusion.

But at home, she is full of life and energy and curiosity, along with a fair amount of impishness and a lot of humor.  She buzzes around the house looking at everything.  Generally she goes from station to station over and over again.

The daily dog walk

Lillian REALLY likes her chicken

She really likes the bathtub.  Pretty much every time she goes to the bathroom, she strips down with the expectation that someone will fill the tub.  And when they do, she stays in for a looong time, happily splashing and playing.  In China, she wouldn't sit in the tub, but now she does.  Today (Saturday) as I got to observe, I realized how much time Nina is spending in the bathroom each day, unable to leave.  I would lose my mind, but she manages.

Ready to go, Mommy!

Bathing habits are one of the things we have been able to learn about her life before us.  In China, she got excited when she was up on the bathroom counter and she stood in the sink.  That was how they bathed the children in her orphanage - she knew how to soap up.  We are having to teach her to stop soaping up when the water has drained.  We have gone through a lot of baby shampoo this week.

We also learned something else about her past habits at the breakfast table.  She poured the milk from a bowl of Cherrios into a second bowl that was in front of her and drank it happily.  She had probably never drunk from a regular glass or cup before us.  When Nina refilled her bowl she was so happy and she kept asking for more and drank over and over. She gets comfort from the familiarity, it seems.

And the adjustment seems to progress each day.  Rosy, our Golden Retriever, has suffered perhaps more than anyone.  Lillian is a little shorter than Rosy and gets upset when the dog gets in her face.  Rosy has spent a lot more time outside or in the laundry room than usual.  But this morning, Lillian called for the dog and greeted Rosy with a wave and a "hello" from the top of the stairs.  With Max, it gets better each day - there is a lot less pressure with him out and about and back in his own world and it makes their interactions more relaxed.  Lillian gets more and more comfortable with me each day.  We hold hands when she needs help on the stairs or she allows me to pick her up out of her high chair and sometimes I am allowed to let it linger, but I don't get the big hugs yet.  It reminds me of a song by Claremont's own Ben Harper - "I Always Have To Steal My Kisses From You."

Sleep is getting easier.   She is taking a nap each afternoon and Nina has found some things that help bring sleep - mostly, she likes to look at books in bed.  She still gets upset from time to time but the fits seem less frequent and shorter when they do happen.

Mostly, though, we're just having a good time.  It's so much fun to have a little one around once again and watch them play, laugh and giggle with abandon.

So that's how it's going.  We're very, very happy.  And we would be remiss if we didn't express our appreciation to so many friends who have brought dinner and gifts and shared their children's outgrown clothes and toys.  We are so fortunate to have you all in our lives.

There is no plan for jet lag

Once again, Lillian arose WELL before dawn.

Nina and I stayed up late and probably went to bed around 1 am.  At 3:30 am, we realized that the night was over and the morning had begun.  Before 8:00 a.m., I had likely awoken neighbors putting together the Pretty Pink Coupe and she took an early morning ride up the street.

Max, fortunately, is re-acclimating to Pacific Time more successfully and  after he joined the fun, we began to get ready for a walk down to the Claremont Farmer's Market.  Max wheeled along in his Heeley's (shoes with wheels in the soles), Nina pushed the stroller and I had the dog for our leisurely stroll.  Not surprisingly, we noticed Lillian asleep as we proceeded.  Once in the Village, Max grabbed a quick snack and I headed off to the market to pick up some fruit.  Since Max is a conscientious objector from eating fruit,   we feel some pressure to make sure Lillian does not follow suit.

This is what we like to see.

On the walk back, we stopped to visit with our good friends Claudia, John and Ula.  They graciously invited Max to hang out for the day (and he returned with an extremely generous gift - WOW, thanks!).  With Max having a more nine-year-old-appropriate day, we were free to indulge the little one.  We stopped at Larkin Park (known in our family as the Pirate Park for its Pirate Ship-themed climber) and took Lillian down the slides, on the swings and other playground equipment.

 She really had a great time.  Lillian enjoyed the swings, which it seems like she had never tried before.  Also, she was comfortable with the other kids that were around.  She shared the steering wheel with another little girl and an older neighbor kept asking her to play (we had to explain that Lillian didn't speak English).

Finally, we prevailed up on her to head home.  After a little play time around the house, we all needed a nap.  Can you still call it a nap if it lasts more than four hours?  'Cause that's how long she slept.  As I write to you, it is 10:39 and all is quiet upstairs.  It seems like Nina got her down to sleep.  But the big question is how long it will last.  Wish us luck!

...And...we're back

Hello again from Lansbury Avenue.  It is good to be home.  Our travels were okay - on a packed 2.5 hour flight from Guangzhou to Beijing, we were separated and Nina and Lillian were in the back of the plane while Max and I were about 30 rows ahead.  She said that Lillian made her presence known once again to her neighbors.  Being strapped in with a seat belt makes her unhappy.

If I miss my connection, you're gonna have big trouble

As this flight was delayed an hour with mechanical problems, our layover in Beijing disappeared and we had to get from the domestic terminal to the international terminal and pass through immigration on the way to our LAX-bound flight.  We got to the gate about 15 minutes before boarding - thanks in large part to a passenger cart that gave us a lift and Max was especially pleased with the ride.

On the LAX flight, we had two bulkhead seats (which had been recommended to us by past adoption travelers) and the two seats behind.

No Sir - we don't know anything about that screaming baby.

Nina and Lillian were joined on the bulkhead row by a 7 or 8 year old little Chinese boy flying unaccompanied.  It was his first time on an airplane.  So poor Nina had to parent this kid in addition to worrying about her own family.  It was pretty striking all around - the flight attendants paid very little attention to the kid who had no idea how things worked or when he was getting fed so he kept looking to Nina for help - on a 12 hour flight.  Also, the kid was very sweaty and had weird coloring, so Nina became convinced he had some sort of disease.  If we all end up with Avian Bird Flu - we have a pretty good idea where it came from.

Peek A Boo

On takeoff, we had some of the usual crying and screaming.  Fortunately, we were in an area of the plane where everyone around us seemingly sleept through pretty much anything.  Once the plane reached altitude, things leveled off in more ways than one and Lillian was back to normal - which is to say full of energy and curiosity.  Nina walked her up and down the aisles a few times and sat her in front of the 3D Map that tracks the flight's progress, which interested her for a while, as well as a few cartoons.  There was a fair amount of peek-a-boo with me in the row behind.  Based on China-time, we were headed for the wee hours of the morning.  Eventually, Nina had the idea to let her lay in the aisle in front of the bulkhead with a pillow and blanket and that sufficed to get her to sleep for about 5 hours.

She fell asleep a second time toward the end of the flight (in her seat - the flight attendants were not happy about the floor-bed arrangement) and she slept through landing.  She did awaken as we left the plane and with Nina's first steps into the jetway, she became an American citizen.

Land of the free...home of Lillian

Once at LAX we breezed through immigration.  We waited in a short line for the initial passport/declarations check and from there, we were directed to an office for secondary screening - this was expected and where we were to present the sealed envelope we had been given at the U.S. Consulate in Guangzhou.  The officers told me to get our bags from the carousel and then join Nina and Lillian in the office.  Well, before I could get the three bags, they were done.  At the final stop before leaving immigration, we were directed to use the Express Lane and congratulated by the officer for our new addition to the family.

We had arranged for a private shuttle to bring us home and for Friday at 6 pm in Los Angeles, there was not much bad traffic along the way, thankfully.

And then, home sweet home.  Corrine, a student who had been housesitting, had everything in good order and our dear friend Kelly Morton not only had dinner waiting, but also had stocked the refrigerator and pantry with a number of necessities and goodies.  When we put Lillian in her high chair for dinner, she let out a big "Yay!" - now that's MY girl!

 Rosy (our golden retriever) was very happy to see us.  Her excitement level was such that we all gave her a good petting and then she had to be put away because she was a little scary for Lillian.

Rosy is a little bit taller than Lillian so it was an understandable response.  By morning, she was getting more comfortable.

We began to show Lillian her home and she climbed up the stairs to her new room and she got very excited admiring all of her new things. She was most excited by the toy stroller that Jo Hardin had given us.  Lillian loaded as many of her new dolls and stuffed animals as could fit in the stroller and pushed them around pleased as can be.















This went on for a while, but wanting to try to get her on schedule - and because we wanted to go to bed ourselves - we gave her a bath and eventually got her into bed.  Despite going to bed around 11 PDT, both kids were up before dawn. Max was happy to check out what was waiting on the DVR.  Nina got up and watched more of Lillian's stroller pushing and had a number of tea parties (she loves tea sets - it must have been all of the tea ceremonies we had in China).    I got to sleep in, but there was more pretend tea waiting for me, as well.  It was great fun.  More and more, she is looking to me to be silly with, which is one of my stronger parenting skills.

So glad we saved this art table from Max.  She has a place to do her work.

Max talks to Grandma Judith while Lillian listens to songs on Mommy's iPhone

Then - well - life began again.  I dropped Max off for a play date and headed to the super market.  As I stood in front of the dairy case, I stopped myself before picking up the usual half-gallon of low fat milk.  I realized we were probably a gallon jug family now.

Business concluded and looking ahead

Well I don't want to be accused of what newspaper people call "burying the lead" so let me start by saying that Lillian's visa to travel to the U.S. was received and once we arrive at LAX tomorrow night, she becomes an American citizen.  All that is left for us to do is get out of Dodge.

Wait, what?  We don't live here? (Thanks for the backpack, Rachel)

It's time to go.  Our room is starting to show the wear from a week of our habitation.

Our only task for today was to receive our paperwork here at the hotel, so we had a lot of free time.  We decided to take a short cab ride to Shaiman Island.  The island was formerly the home of the U.S. Consulate and between that and the 35 story White Swan Hotel, was a longtime center for U.S. adoptive families.  The consulate moved and the hotel is totally under renovations so things are quiet there now.  As we walked by, we were easy pickings for an English-speaking shopkeeper specializing in kids shoes as she walked up to us complimenting Lillian.  We needed some new shoes for her so we picked those up, as well as a bamboo flute for Max.  Then we walked around a bit enjoying a slightly cooler day than the last few.

We saw several couples taking wedding pictures on what was still a hot and extremely humid morning.

This is the standard issue Shaiman Island adoptee picture.  Everyone takes one and now Lillian has, too.

Max, meanwhile, got a little workout in.

The parallel bars were no match for him...

...as you can plainly see

Others had a little more difficulty.

 In the afternoon, we did a little more work with Lillian getting used to water and made great progress.  A plastic ball had blown into the wading pool and the four of us threw it around and when she was chasing a ball, Lillian didn't notice that Nina was holding her in the "deep" water (maybe three feet - maybe).  She was having a great time and was playing with Max, which continues to be a slow (but steady) climb.   She was excited to be in the deeper water - though still not entirely without fear when she realized what she had done after the fact.  Sorry we don't have any pictures, but we were too busy playing!

Tomorrow, we leave on a mid afternoon flight from Guangzhou to Beijing and after a few hours, board a nonstop to LAX.  We are dreading the flight with her, she has serious lung capacity and throws a mean head butt.  Then we have the car ride home and she has never been in a car seat.  This is why we are delaying the initial meet and greet - Nina may be nursing a few battle wounds.

Once home, we will begin the business of resuming our lives.  On that note, Nina and I wanted to share a few thoughts based on what we have learned from others and our 10 hours of adoption parenting courses about our upcoming adjustment.

We are grateful to have had the support of so many friends, as well as our families, as we have worked to make our dreams of expanding our family come true.  We know how anxious everyone is to meet Lillian and we look forward to that happening.  She is quite a character! However, we must ask for your patience as we seek to help her adjust successfully to her new circumstances.  We are going to be hunkering down for a while as we seek to help her understand what it means to be in a family and to have a mother, father, brother, dog, chicken, bearded dragon, birds, etc.  We have a lot to learn, ourselves, too.

So please forgive us in advance for asking you not to drop by unannounced, or if we (or at least not all of us) are able to accept your invitations for a little while. 

When you do see us, you may notice us doing things a little differently than parents of other two year olds.   Lillian is remarkably capable because she’s had no one to rely on but herself in her first two years.  She is potty trained.  She tries to bathe and feed herself.  We will be trying to do things for her that she could otherwise do for herself as we work to build a parent-child relationship.   We’ll be feeling our way through so we don’t know exactly what that will entail but it could be drinking from a baby bottle, for example and we won’t be letting her “cry it out” when it’s time for bed.

Also, if you are with us and you notice that she has a need to be met – feeding, changing, holding, comforting, bathing, dressing, etc.  – please re-direct her to one of us rather than doing it yourself.  This is part of the process of her learning that we are her primary caregivers. 

She may seem quite charming when you meet her, but part of that is because she doesn’t know if you’re going to the next person to become her primary caregiver.  In the adoption world, this is known as “Mommy Shopping,” and that’s one of the major reasons why it is important to redirect her to us.

While we feel very good about how well she has done so far, we know there is still a lot of work to be done to establish the level of attachment we need.

And please remember that the person who really needs your attention is Max.  This is a huge adjustment for him and we welcome playdates, gifts for him and largely just making sure he doesn’t get overshadowed.  It’s no picnic getting a two-year old sibling dropped in your lap.

We have missed you over the last two and a half weeks and we do really want to see you and have adult company – particularly Nina who just spent an hour and a half trying to get a screeching two year old to sleep.  She needs a martini.  Soon.